Have You Seen The Baby?

There is a mystical force effecting people, mostly women, who have children that compels them to wish children upon everyone else, particularly women. I don't think I will ever fully grasp this phenomenon, perhaps when I have children the mystical force will effect me too.

Husband and I have no kids. We would like to have them someday, Husband probably more so than I do. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. I think I'd be a pretty cool mom, and I know Husband would be a great dad. For one reason or another we just don't have any yet. It's interesting because we have friends with and without kids. Some of them have kids that live in another state, some are divorced with kids, some are married with kids and some have none. It's been my experience that there are several different attitudes people have about their own kids and then also about childless couples. First let me just say to all you people with children who have friends with none, please stop asking us when we're going to have them. Number one it's none of your business. Number two, you clearly have no idea how condescending and de-valuing it is; like we're somehow not really valid until we have kids. Number three, you also clearly have no idea that there could be serious problems or not so serious problems that prevent people from having children. This is not necessarily the case with Husband and I, but it's very insensitive to assume that we're just not trying hard enough or don't know what we're doing. Take into consideration that every time you ask that question, the couple you're asking may be dealing with a recent miscarriage or perhaps they just found out they're infertile. Just think before you speak.

It's amazing to me how often people take their own children for granted. I know that not every day with your children is puppy dogs and ice cream. But when I hear people talking about their kids with disdain or actually calling them "dummy" or "loser" or any number of other names, joking or not, it breaks my heart a little. Kids are going to get enough of that throughout their growing up. They should never hear that coming from the mouths of their parents. My other favorite thing is when people talk about their kids with the tone of someone who would rather have their fingernails pulled out with pliers. Like their kids are so much of a burden, and if only they'd done things differently they could be doing more, have a better job, have more money, whatever. Hey, guess what? You didn't do things differently. You made kids whether or not you meant to. Buck the fuck up and appreciate the fact that you've got a life to mold into something productive and we'll all be grateful when you raise a person who can contribute positively to society. Sorry you chose to burden yourself with the precious gift of life. How about you stop complaining about it? Now obviously the flip side of this attitude is one of gratitude and overwhelming joy at the ability to bring a child into the world. To those parents who are doing their best and loving their kids, thanks.

The hardest part about dealing with people who have kids is wading through the self-righteous bullshit that is their vast knowledge of child-rearing. I understand that I'm so far behind the curve when it comes to dealing with children, not having any of my own, and that I couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of raising kids. I get that. But when, and if, Husband and I do have kids, our experience will be totally different from anyone else's. Every time I hear, "Oh, when you guys have kids . . . " I just want to shove knitting needles in my ears. You don't know what it will be like when us guys have kids.

In general it seems that people with children view childless couples with a certain degree of suspicion, maybe even resentment. I think in that depths of their minds they wonder, do we not like children? Does that mean we don't like their kids? Are they communists? Satanists? Why would someone not have kids? I believe this is what prompts the unsolicited advice on how exactly to go about making babies. Please, spare me this advice. I've had lots of experience when it comes to the whole baby making process. I don't want to know about your turkey basters, standing on the head, putting your feet in the air theories. I'm pretty sure that when I'm meant to get pregnant, it will happen. I'm not trippin' so why are you? It's as if people have an active interest or investment in my pregnancy, much more than I do. I have expressed to exactly no one that I'm sad, concerned, disappointed or otherwise upset about not having a child yet. And that's what makes me think, perhaps they are resentful. Their lives were drastically changed, some of them without warning or desire, and they never got to have the life they truly wanted. They see Husband and I living basically how we want to, we don't have to worry about a sitter or taking baby stuff with us, or planning things to accommodate children. If we want to do something, we do it. And maybe this is slightly irritating to people with children. Maybe they miss that lifestyle and so they wish upon everyone else they kind of life that they have now.

Mostly though, I hate, hate, the feeling of being discounted because I don't have kids. Discounted as a woman, as a wife, as a person. During the last several days it seems like the kid thing has been hitting me in the face. One friend swears I'm pregnant because (hand to God, I'm not making this up) she just found out that two of her other friends are pregnant and pregnancies always come in three, and she's been having dreams that I'm pregnant so it must be true. She is the queen of making comments that on the surface seem like just innocent comments, but really are meant as an under-handed put down. These comments are typically directed at me and usually have something to do with why I'm not dealing with a particular body issue or other since I haven't had kids yet. She has to eat all the time or she gets cranky. I usually don't eat anything until 3:30 or 4:00 in the afternoon. Well, since I haven't had kids yet I can do that. I've been put on notice that this will change when I finally get pregnant.

Not having children does not make you weird. Having children does not make you better. I am not less of a woman without kids. And I know most of these comments are made out of concern, good intentions, and curiosity, and carry with them no ill will. I will continue to handle them like I always do, with grace and civility. But this, like so many social curiosities, has everything to do with people dealing with their own lives. Unless I ask for your opinion and advice, I don't want or need it. Please, handle your own business, deal with your own life and let me deal with mine.