Monday, November 20, 2006

The Trouble With Nudity

One of my favorite things to do is to be naked. I love it. I think that being naked is comfortable and freeing.
Now, I'm not really, altogether comfortable with my body. In fact I have a lot of problems with my body and it is sometimes an incredible challenge for me just to look in the mirror. So I suspect my love of being naked is somehow related to my poor body image, and in some way helps me to deal with it. And I'm not talking about anything in the realm of sex, I'm talking purely and simply being naked.
My husband and I, on occasion, indulge in some mind-altering substances. What those are I will leave to your imagination. And inevitably I end up either topless or completely naked. This doesn't bother Husband at all, and that completely trips people out. I suppose because most of the time I am the only girl in the mix and guys trip that Husband doesn't care that other guys look at me.
Husband, in fact, loves the idea of other guys looking at me. Is that weird? I don't think so and neither does he. But I can understand why that's weird to some people. In Husband's mind, I'm with him and that's not going to change. He knows that I love him and that I'm faithful to him. He's proud of how I look and it's almost a macho sort of thing, even though he's not at all the macho type. He figures, "whatever they can look but at the end of the day you're with me."
So this weekend was one of those occasions. And sure enough, there I was, topless in a room with 5 guys.
Did I mention this was in our house? I think that's key because I wouldn't feel so comfortable in someone else's house. But in mine, if you don't like it, leave.
Anyway, it was a very fun weekend to say the least. I wasn't naked the entire time, or even the next night. But what is the problem with nudity? Why are we so concerned with covering our bodies? I've thought for a long time that our aversion to nudity and the positions and roles we ascribe to it do a lot to shape our opinions about sex and our views of women, etc. I mean, think about it. Nudity in general is reserved for places and activities that "good girls" don't do. You can go to a strip club, rent porn or watch it on TV, purchase the company of a prostitute, and things like this. But there is no healthy outlet for nudity, unless you go to a colony. It's really a travesty. The human body, and especially a woman's body, is beautiful. It's an amazing creation. True, some more than others. But being naked tears down any wall. When you're naked you are vulnerable and you have to have a relative amount of trust in the people you're with. Husband and I happen to have amazing friends so that's never been an issue. And even if, as a guy, you're turned on at first by seeing a nude woman, after a while it's not something you even notice.
The fact that certain substances, mainly a variety of them, are typically involved really doesn't matter. In fact, I think it only enhances the experience. Letting your mind go is often a wise idea. Not getting out of control mind you, but letting go for a while. We're so caught up in our daily lives and just trying to get by that taking a break from reality and opening your eyes, mind and soul to the possibilities of existence on this earth is a much-needed rest.
I encourage you to be naked, to be free, and to let your mind, body and soul take delight in the simplest of pleasures. You never know what's to come or how your perspective on life can change. Anything is possible!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Stuck in a Rut

I think I'm suffering a crisis of sorts. Perhaps not a crisis exactly, but I'm in a funk. I feel as though I've wasted my life in certain ways and I have a general feeling of dissatisfaction. These feelings are strictly focused on my professional life, however. I think the one great decision I made was marrying my husband. Aside from that, I'm scratching my head.
Husband has already pointed out that I've accomplished many things in my life. Well, yes I suppose I have. But so far I'm not feeling fulfilled with my career decisions. My blessed parents sent me to a private university, which I graduated from, probably with the hopes that I would make some impact on the world. But alas, my private education, while excellent, did not assist me in obtaining a dream job. Put it this way, I made more money when I worked at Starbucks than I do now. That was 8 years ago! Where did I go wrong? Well, now I'm self-employed, I'm an independent contractor. Except, in my world, an independent contractor is paid for services rendered. If I can get my job done in 3 hours versus 8, better for me. As long as the job is done to the client's specifications and is what the client expected, I get paid. However, I'm kind of a one-client show. I have an exclusive contract, so to speak. So, there again, I get paid based on a specific set of tasks that I'm responsible for. When I made this arrangement with my exclusive 'client' I gave him a great deal for my services. Unheard of, really. I did this because of many reasons, but mainly because I thought I would be working with him for the rest of my life. And based on conversations we've had, he would eventually need me on a full-time employee basis, at which time I would be well taken care of.
Isn't it funny how things change? Now my exclusive client wants me on an employee basis but doesn't want to pay me for it and wants to keep pretending that I'm still an 'independent contractor'.
It's not really about the money. Sure, I'd like to make more than I do now, but that's not it really. I want to be compensated FAIRLY for the work that I'm doing. And I don't want to be fucked with. If you want to hire me on full-time to guarantee that I'll be in the office everyday for a specified number of hours, let's negotiate. But don't give me shit because I don't come in everyday when I can work from home as well. Why should I drive 60 minutes daily, get paid this shitty salary, listen to you complain about me not being in the office everyday, just so you can have the "security" that I'm in the office in case something comes up? Gosh, who am I talking to? Whoa, okay, back to it not being about the money.
Really, it's not. I really just want to enjoy what I do, and I'm not sure I do anymore. There are so many things that I want to try, regardless of how much I get paid. I've never been a waitress, a bartender, a teacher, an exotic dancer (Husband has already said 'no' to that one), lots of things. I think it would be amazing to try on different jobs for a while. It would certainly get me out of this rut.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

This Is Real Life

So my husband and I have taken in a roommate. For various reasons it is a good, temporary, arrangement. The roommate is a 35 year-old male friend of ours and is a very respectable and responsible man. But, you know, everyone has issues so it's not all puppy dogs and ice cream all the time.
Roommate is not married, never has been, and is actively seeking a mate as it were. I suppose that once you reach the unmarried age of 35 you may start having minor panic attacks, envisioning your life as a 65 year-old single man with no teeth, sucking down PBR's while you yell at the neighbor kids. I think that's kind of where Roommate is. He's terrified of being alone yet can't manage an actual relationship with a normal woman. (Yes, I have opinions as to the causes of this, but that's another story for another time perhaps.) So he recently met a young woman of 22 and has seen her several times in the past couple of weeks. And by "seen" I mean that they have come over to the house and had sex for hours at a time, she doing her best impression of the porn star on Skinamax. Now, I'm not generally a mean person and I rarely make judgments about people based on just how they look. Every encounter I've had with Young Woman has been pleasant and she seems like a nice person. However, she's not small. Believe me, I am the last person to even comment on the girth of another due to my own deep-seeded psychological body image problems. But she's a big girl. Roommate is just about average, maybe below average height, for sure a lot shorter than my husband. So the mental picture we're forced to endure during the hours long sexcapades with the shrieking and whatnot is unpleasant at best. (I should mention that we live in a very small house with little to no "buffer zone".)
So last night Roommate brings Young Woman over for Halloween fun(sex). BUT, Husband and I were also in an amorous mood last night and we got to our bedroom first, HA! Let them listen to us for a while. Except that it's not really like that, you all know that.
A digression: When women go really overboard with the "oos" and "aaaahs" and screaming and moaning and shrieking, just like in a porno, IT'S NOT REAL. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's fake. Real sex, real enjoyable sex, at least in my experience, is rather quiet. Yes, I make noise and stuff, but it's not the production that some women try to make it.
So husband and I are doing our thing, being relatively quiet throughout, and when we're done what else do we hear but the Sex Olympics coming from Roommates room. As I'm telling Husband the reality behind the sounds I look at our pup who has joined me on the bed. He is licking, hand to God, the wet spot on the bed. I point this out to Husband who laughs and says, "This is reality, the dog licking the bed, you asking me if you're gaining weight, me covered in poison oak, let's make a porno!"
"I'm starting a blog, tomorrow. And I'm writing about all of this. And it's going to be funny."
Reality usually is.
I hope you think so too.